Called to live as a Child of Light
Jesus met me where I was around age 16. Where was I? On my bathroom floor, in tears, struggling with, well, being a teenager. There had been some tough changes in my life around that time and my teen brain thought it all unfair. Hindsight, I was protected from a lot. Where I really was, mentally, was a dark pit of self loathing, feeling like an outcast, unsure of the purpose of my life or who I was deep inside. And what I did know of myself, I did not like.
Anyway, I had this tiny (like, fit in the palm of your hand, tiny) purple radio in my bathroom. I often turned to music in moments of distress. I still do. It helps me process. In this particular moment (this never ever happened, my radio always worked) nothing was tuning in clearly. All the stations I normally turned to were full of static. No matter how viciously or gently I guided that metal antenna around while carefully turning the tuning knob, NOTHING came through. Except ONE station. KLOVE. I was very early in my church going days and was not yet in the phase of listening to Christian radio, so I had never purposefully tuned in to this station before. (To be honest, I still don’t really, I just listen to Worship playlists I create myself, haha!)
There was no music playing, though. Just a woman speaking. If you know KLOVE, you probably know what I’m talking about. Every once in a while the DJ will have a little preaching moment where they seek to encourage listeners that happen to be tuned in at the time. This time, it was me. (Probably not just me, but you know what I mean…)
The woman was talking about how there’s a God who loves me, who’s seeking me, who wants a relationship with me. He created me and knows me, better than I know myself. He isn’t mad at me. I just need to run to him. She encouraged listeners who felt stuck (me) to open their Bibles. If we didn’t know where to begin, she challenged us to do something silly. “Open your Bible to a random page, point to a random spot on that page, and start reading.”
I laughed at the idea in my head, but with tear streaks down my face and doubt in my heart, I grabbed my brand new Bible. I fanned through the pages a few times until I decided to close my eyes and finally landed on a random page. My Bible was so new and unused that the spine cracked as I flattened it open. Eyes still closed, trying to be silly for some reason, alone in my bathroom, I dramatically swooshed my finger into the air in a loopy circle before slamming it down in a random spot on that random page. This is what God told me that day:
“For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light.”
— Ephesians 5:8
I sat with it. It hit me. I felt different. But I didn’t really know what it meant. Life went on.
I started going to church more often with my family, I started reading my Bible more, I joined a youth group, I found some cool Christian music I liked.
TWO MORE TIMES after this event, I felt lost and confused and didn’t know where to turn. BOTH TIMES I did the same silly thing, not expecting anything from it. BOTH. TIMES. I landed on this exact verse.
I’d love to tell you that after that third time, everything was completely new and different and my life completely changed and I never had doubts or insecurities and I suddenly loved everything about myself and all my problems were fixed. But that just isn’t my reality. It’s not a lot of our realities. I kept struggling. I kept failing. I kept making the wrong decisions. But something WAS different. I started to move forward towards Jesus. I was learning. I was growing. I was becoming someone different. He was guiding me to a better me. Through the failures, through the struggles, through the self-loathing. Through the pain of feeling outcast, unwanted, unloved. Through it all, I was held. Held by the loving hands of Jesus.
I share this small piece of the beginning of my testimony to hopefully encourage anyone who feels too lost, too broken, too dark, too messy, too much…
Those are lies from the enemy. There is a God (the ONLY God), a Father, a Friend—just waiting for you. He died for YOU. He LOVES you. No matter where you are, He is ready and waiting with open arms.
Here I am 16 years later, finally feeling confident in who God created me to be. I still have questions, I still don’t know what I’m doing more than half of the time. In some ways, I still feel like the insecure, fearful, hurting 16 year old girl I was long ago. But today I stand firm on the rock that is my foundation—Jesus. My identity lies in Him. My courage, my strength, my joy—it all comes from the Lord. Without Him, I truly don’t know where I’d be or who I’d be. Life is still difficult, but my goodness it is so much sweeter in the presence of my Lord and Savior, my friend, Jesus.
Friend, if you’re on the edge of deciding if you want to find out what this Jesus guy is all about, but don’t know where to begin, please reach out to me. I’d love to walk you through the beginning steps of this journey. And if you’re not quite sure but might have questions, I’m here.
At the very least, I want you to end reading this post knowing:
You are LOVED.
You are ENOUGH.
You have PURPOSE.
There is a God, whether you recognize Him yet or not, that literally DIED and rose again to have a relationship with you. He cares for you. He wants to help you. You’re not too much for Him. He knows you better than you know yourself. He sees the deepest darkest depths of your soul and He chooses you.