less of me…
I made the decision the other day that I didn’t want to tidy after supper. It was a long, emotional day. There was a mess around me, but also inside me and I just wanted to shut off. I wanted to be mindless. I didn’t have the energy.
But a still voice said, “No. Serve your family well. This isn’t about you.”
I fought that voice. “No. I deserve to stop.”
“Your children and hard-working husband also deserve a well cared for home and a stress free you in the morning…” (note: a chaotic living space in the morning has been a catalyst to a stressful me) The voice continued, “…This is your ministry. Worship.”
So, I turned on music, and with a frown on my face and defiant tears welling in my eyes, I started to tidy. I wiped counters, swept the floor, cleaned the dishes, and cried. I felt so many things in that moment. Then, I realized something.
I could have mindlessly scrolled or played a game or watched something (and I often do choose this). Instead, I chose to obey the Holy Spirit, guiding me in this moment. I got to work serving my family and I wasn’t alone. In those moments of worship and sacrifice, God got to work too.
He helped me release the tension and untangle the mess inside my brain as I cleaned the mess in my home. I was able to process with so much clarity. Some of my tears weren’t sadness or frustration or anger or confusion (which I was also feeling) but of thankfulness and mere awe of His presence in my messy kitchen.
I’m learning more every day about my calling as a wife and mother in the home we’ve been blessed with and how quickly I am willing to respond to the Holy Spirit’s prompting. Some days are harder than others. When I choose to “deny myself” (as Jesus calls His followers to do) to serve my family well, to let God pour truth over my complicated emotions instead of shutting off, things change.
Then Jesus said to his disciples, “If anyone wants to follow after me, let him deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me.” — Matthew 16:24
Did my kids get a perfect mom, my husband the most Biblical wife the next day? Of course not.
But they got a mom and wife with roots a little deeper, well watered, and grounded in Jesus’ steadfast love and faithfulness.
It’s not always about me. And when I put Him first, overflow will follow.
Less of me.
More of You, Jesus.
P.S. — I understand the importance of rest. This is not a struggle with rest. This was a battle of my flesh, desiring laziness and the “comfort” of mindless inaction and idle hands. But I declare no more, in Jesus name. In fact, I feel more rested in action because in my time with Him, Jesus filled my cup, restored my soul and renewed my mind.